Happy Holy Moo Cow Day
by XxShukketsuYume
Summary: The title has nothing to do with the actual story. Read to find out. Intruiging, ne? REVIEW!
1. I like 'place with books' better

**Title:** Happy Holy Moo Cow Day  
**Authors:** Ostrich and Pengwinn  
**Authors' Notes:** I don't know I've never wrote one before don't look at me! -Ostrich Whatever then. -Pengwinn  
  
Draco was digging through piles of books from the restricted section of the library…how he got them is besides the point. He was looking for a charm to put onto Crabbe and Goyle, his monkey-esque body guards.

They were very stupid, in more ways than one. He still couldn't figure out how they'd made it to fifth year without having to stay back at least once…although he did remember Goyle talking about a summer class…anyway, he was looking for a charm to make them smarter, more evil in a way.

There was this one spell, the Infarminic Incantation. It made them more cunning. Hmm, that would work. It wore off after a while, but he only needed it for them to meet his parents. The description read….  
  
_The Infarminic Incantation:_  
  
_Mutter when around person(s) that you desire to be incantaited. (note-is incantaited a word?) Incantaion will derive from person(s)'s soul of which level of cunning and malevolence should be extracted. Incantation:_  
  
_When I mutter these words here, 'ere after you shall make others quiver in fear._  
  
Read Incantation while person is asleep, dozing, or other forms of the dream state. If performing in large groups of people... Do **NOT **perform in large groups of people. Do not perform when making a potion including the three year old gizzard of a blue bellied booby. Do not perform when the moon is waxing. Do not perform when it is the third Monday of the fourth month of the 2003rd year. Do not perform when you have a cold. Do not perform when receiver (s) has (have) a cold. If all warnings ignored, effects will be prolonged. Incantation lasts three days. Can not be performed on the same person (s) twice.  
  
Draco ripped the page out, put the books back, and walked out of the library. Madame Pince, the librarian, was giving him a dirty look. She suspected that he'd forged Professor McGonagall's signature. In fact, he had. But that was besides the point.

Goyle and Crabbe noticed him coming out of the library. They had Neville by his cloak, and the stupid prat was turning blue. "Release." Draco ordered. The two dropped him, and he scurried away in the direction of the Gryffindor tower, looking warily behind him. Goyle took a pastry out of his pocket, one he'd grabbed at lunch.

"I'm hungry." Goyle grunted, munching into the pastry.

"Then eat what you have in your hand you fat tub. I swear, you're such idiots. Don't you think about anything besides food?"

"What about food?" Crabbe said, looking up. "Oh right, I have some bread in my pocket. Hold on." Out of his pocket he derived a mouldy biscuit, probably three weeks old. It was turning green on the edges. Draco winced as the monkey shoved it into his mouth.

"It's nearly time for supper, can't you wait?"

"Why were you in that place with all the books?" Crabbe asked, bits of mouldy biscuit splattering on Draco's new satin robes.

"Because, I'm smart. You're not. I like reading." He snapped, fishing inside his pocket to make sure the incantation was still there. "Honestly, it's not a place with books. It's called a library."

"Fine, use your fancy smancy words. I like place with books better." Goyle decided.

"Uhn." Crabbe grunted.

"You two morons." Draco slapped his forehead. "Why do I need you again? Oh right, you're a lot bigger than me and can protect me. I forgot."

Crabbe and Goyle didn't notice this though, as they walked off towards the Great Hall, wanting to be the first one's at supper. Draco dragged behind them, trying to think of the perfect time when he could say the incantation.

)( Er...yeah. This is a cute fanficcie I wrote a long time ago with my friend Ostrich. It's probably crap now, but I think it's funny because it's got some nostalgic-ness with me. So there it is. Review, if you want more...it is finished, I'm just testing it out on y'all....XD)(


	2. Who the hell makes these things up?

LATER  
  
They had double potions with the Gryffindors the next morning, and as he took his seat in the back of the dungeon with Crabbe and Goyle, he noted that Hermione, Harry and Ron were all sitting there as well, on the Gryffindor side.  
  
Harry looked very tried, probably from all that Quidditch practice the Weasley's (new Quidditch captains) were putting them through. Damn Potter, he didn't even know how to hold a broom right and he still kicked Draco's ass.  
  
Halfway into the class, Goyle and Crabbe fell asleep, like always. Professor Snape was saying something about the three year old gizzard of a blue bellied something or other while Draco slipped out the piece of paper he had written down from the book.  
  
Ignoring the warning of NOT to cast the incantation in groups of people, he muttered it. "When I mutter these words here, 'ere after you shall make others quiver in fear." He paused. "Who the hell makes these things up?" (Draco looks at authors Pengwinn and Ostrich, all jay and silent bob strike back like. Pengwinn and Ostrich whistle innocently. Ostrich- Not us! Heh Heh….).  
  
After class, Draco walked up to his two friends…bodyguards rather, and smiled. "Feeling…any…different?" He tried.  
  
"Not really." They grunted in unison.  
  
"Feel like smashing Potter's head into a wall though." Crabbe said, walking in the direction of Harry.  
  
"Stay! Bad Crabbe!" Draco shouted. Man Crabbe and Goyle acted like pets. It was fun though, he had to admit. He looked over in the corner where Harry and Ron were having a scuffle.  
  
Harry was attempting to shove Ron's head through the cement dungeon floor, while Hermione tried to pull him off. He threw her across the room, and she hit the ground with a very audible smack. Harry's eyes were all lit up. "Stay the fuck away from me!" He shouted, running out of the class room. Draco's jaw dropped, and then he looked at the incantation directions again.  
  
"Do NOT perform in large groups. Dammit!" He ran after Harry, grabbing his cloak.  
  
"What the hell do you want you stupid Jarvey?!" He shouted, turning around. Even Harry had never snapped at him like that. Maybe the Weasle, but not Harry. Hell, Hermoine had slapped him and yet Harry didn't lay one finger on him.  
  
"What's going on with you?" Draco asked, knowing all to well what the hell was going on with him.  
  
"Nothing. Why the fuck do you care anyway? You stupid prat." He threw Draco into the cement door and ran off, leaving Draco, bleeding immensely from the head, and confused behind.  
  
**Skippy Skippy**  
  
After leaving the hospital wing hours later, Draco _still_ felt dizzy. "Stupid incantation backfired to Potter. Dammit!"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle rounded up with Pansy Parkinson and some other Slytherins met him in the Great Hall. "Oh my gosh, Draco are you alright?" Pansy squealed, rubbing up against him.  
  
"Pansy, back off. All of you, go away. Except for Crabbe and Goyle." They followed his orders, and he passed the two a pastry.  
  
He'd gotten them in the hospital wing, and they were filled with a sleeping concoction so that he could sleep dreamlessly while in severe pain. The two passed out on the Slytherin common room floor, and he smiled.  
  
"When I mutter these words here, 'ere after you shall make others quiver in fear." He looked at them. "Work dammit! How are you supposed to know if it works?!"  
  
"Work dammit, how are you supposed to know if it works?" They muttered in a monotonus tone.  
  
"Our names are Crabbe and Goyle and we want to impress Draco's parents. We're going to act more like him." Draco said slowly. They repeated it after him. "When we wake up, we will act just like Draco."  
  
He thought about it as the two repeated. "But we're going to do whatever he says, not act like a bossy know it all." They repeated it, sounding mechanical somewhat.  
  
Once they woke up, Draco was grinning like a hyena. "Feel any different boys?" 


	3. And you wouldn't even let me blow your n...

**IN THE GRYFFINDOR TOWER**  
  
Hermione sat in the common room, staring at Harry, who was throwing sharp pointy objects at a picture of Draco Malfoy, Peter Pettigrew, Lord Voldemort, and Snape. To the side of him was Ron, still bleeding profusely from his nose, which looked broken, but he refused to go the hospital wing. She herself had gone because of her back, which he'd almost cracked when he'd thrown her across the room.  
  
Ron was trying to talk to Harry. She could hear it. "Harry, honestly all I said was that Snape is annoying. Why did you attack me?"  
  
"You meant much more than that Weasley." He shouted, pointing the sharp object in his direction. Ron shrank back.  
  
"Sorry. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I think that potion Snape was making messed you up."  
  
**THREE DAYS LATER**  
  
Draco had enjoyed his last three days with the more intelligent, cunning and EVIL Crabbe and Goyle. As he looked at the incantation he noted that it lasted three days. "DAMMIT!" He shouted, nearly scaring Pansy out of her skin. "It doesn't last till vacation!" There were four more days left until vacation. If he'd casted it three days later, it would have. He smacked his forehead again, and sighed. "Just have to cast it again I suppose." He looked down at the paper. "Only works once?! Then what the hell is it good for? Who makes up these rules?!" (Looks at authors again. Authors whistle innocently again, laughing somewhat at the ferret's torture.)  
  
He walked down to the Great Hall for lunch, and accidentally knocked into Potter. "Watch where you're going Potter." He was about to say, but the words were said by a stranger voice. Harry's.  
  
"Watch where you're going stupid ferret." He said, and pushed Draco back, knocking him to the ground. He laughed maliciously and kicked him once for good measure, then trotted off to lunch.  
  
"Why didn't it wear off of Potter?" He asked. Looking at the paper for the fiftieth time, he saw the words Do not perform in large groups of people. Do not perform when making a potion including the three year old gizzard of a blue bellied booby. Do not perform when the moon is waxing. Do not perform when it is the third Monday of the fourth month of the 2003rd year. Do not perform when you have a cold. Do not perform when receiver (s) has (have) a cold. If all warnings ignored, effects will be prolonged. "How did I break all these rules?"  
  
Draco looked down at his calendar. He had cast the spell on Potter three days ago… "Holy shit. It was the third Monday of the fourth month of the 2003rd year." He looked over at Pansy. "What was that special ingredient Professor Snape said we were using? You know, the one that he let Granger help Longbottom on?"  
  
"A three year old gizzard of a blue bellied booby. Why?"  
  
"Wow. Okay, that's three down," he looked at his calendar again. "Huh. The moon was waxing. Okay, four. How many days ago did I have a cold?" He asked no one in particular, trying to figure it out in his head.  
  
"Three days ago, and you didn't even let me blow your nose for you." Pansy huffed.  
  
"Okay…er…five." He looked sideways at Pansy, a little creeped out. "Did Potter have a cold?"  
  
"Yes, he's the rat who gave it to you!" Pansy snapped. "I have to remember to pummel him for that!"  
  
"Holy shit. That's all six. I should really start paying attention to these directions." (Ostrich-Well duh! Pengwinn cackling)  
  
**Later on…**  
  
After lunch there was a Quidditch match between the Gryffindors and the Slytherins. Great, he was against the physco-maniac form of Potter. Just peachy. "Stay out of his way Malfoy, he's in a bad way today." Flint muttered, passing him the broom.  
  
"I can't! I'm the seeker you MORON!" Draco shouted, slapping the seventh year upside the head. "We go ONE on ONE!"  
  
They walked out onto the arena, where the Gryffindors were flying around, notedly avoiding Harry. Shit. The physco-maniac had a broom. A weapon. Triple shit. Draco mounted his broom and took off, waiting for Madame Hooch to blow the whistle. Once she did, the game began.  
  
First, the Weasleys threw the quaffle to Lee Jordan, their new keeper. He in turn threw it to Angelina, or was it Alicia ? He couldn't tell the difference. Harry was trailing behind him, looking with newly cleaned and fixed glasses for the Snitch. He heard Alicia or Angelina, well, one of the girls smack to the ground, and then saw Harry speeding off towards Flint, the one who'd knocked them down with his beater club. This wasn't going to be good.  
  
Harry took the club from Flint, threw it to the ground, and then whistled. One of the bludgers came veering away from the Weasleys in the direction of him, and he dodged letting it hit Flint in the face. Smart. He couldn't get blamed and there wouldn't be a penalty. That incantation was working wonders on him. He just wished he had cast the spell on Crabbe and Goyle a few days before vacation. They were very decent evil side kicks when they were under it.  
  
As Harry took his position tailing Draco again, he suddenly realized that he had a death wish. If he got the snitch before Harry, he'd die. No doubt about it. Sighing, he pretended to see the snitch and took a very deep dive.  
  
Harry followed intently, his eyes fixed not on the field and air surrounding him, but on Draco. Draco noted this and pulled out of the dive. Harry tailed him all around the field. Another penalty was made, on Lee Jordan. Harry used another interesting tactic.  
  
It was yet again Flint that had made the penalty. Harry flew in a few circles below him, like a bird surveying it's prey. Flint tried to get out of Harry's line of fire, but he kept following him. When Flint flew down into a dive to get around him, Harry moved into the direction, making Flint swerve. Harry then flew into another direction, as though looking for the Snitch, and Flint was then hit in the face with a bludger. Draco could tell that Flint would reassign the beaters soon.  
  
Harry did see the Snitch, and so did Draco. Draco dived for it, and he was inches away from having it in his hands when suddenly he heard a swoosh of air behind him. There was Harry, next to him, standing upright on his broom. He smiled and waved, not at him, but at something behind him. As Draco was knocked off his broom, falling to the ground in a heap, he heard the shouts of the crowd. Harry'd caught the snitch.  
  
Slytherin lost. Again. Then he heard another sound, one he didn't like to hear. A whistle erupted from Potter's mouth, and as he looked up, the blackness coming in around his eyes, he saw his Nimbus2001 being cracked to pieces by a bludger while Potter laughed and caught the bludger, taking it down to put away.

(Heh heh...the crap that is my fanfiction...but it's cute! REVIEW!!!!!

Signed

Your faithful fanfiction slave monkey

Pengwin)


	4. He gets it! He finally gets it!

**LATER**  
  
Draco woke up in the hospital wing, and found no one there. He sighed a breath of relief, and took a sip of the water next to him. Then he looked at the clock. It was 2:30 in the morning. Taking out the page that he'd ripped out of the book once more, he studied it. The words jumped out of the page as if to laugh at him. He shredded the paper and threw it across the room. "I really need to listen to directions more." He muttered. (Pengwinn- He gets it! Finally he gets it! Ostrich- Cackling)  
  
**IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM**  
  
Harry woke up, sitting on the common room couch. He'd missed Quidditch. "I missed the match!" He shouted, looking at his watch.  
  
"No you didn't Harry." Hermione said, flinching somewhat.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Er. . . .hi Harry." Ron said meekly.  
  
"What's the matter with you two?" He asked.  
  
"Nothing." They said in unison. Ron looked like someone had broken his nose. Probably Malfoy.  
  
"Did Malfoy do that to you?" Harry asked.  
  
"No, _you_ did…."  
  
**_SOON TO COME HARRY'S RETALIATION  
_**  
**_FIN_**

)(Yeah...I know...that was stupid...but it's cute, ne? Review..XD

Signed, your faithful fanfiction slave monkey,

Pengwinn)(


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